Phases

My days/weeks/months/body image/mood/productivity feel like they fluctuate so much.  My husband has commented on it since we started dating, “inconsistent”, it’s like an annoying animal that follows me around.  Trust me, the only thing I want in the world is to find some kind of stability in my life, in my world, but I don’t seem to find it. 

I will say that I’ve improved, I used to be on a lot of medications supposedly for my eating disorder, and also for anxiety and depression, but about a year ago, I just stopped taking them.  I want to embrace a cleaner life style, and I felt that those medications made everything so fuzzy.  So, believe it or not, I have become more stable off the meds, than I was on.  I have struggled more with my eating disorder, but right now I feel that is manageable, (whatever that means), and it is better than feeling foggy and slightly drugged up all of the time.  I feel like medication takes away my ability to function. 

I know it helps some people, and I’m all about that, but on the whole, I do feel like our society is over medicated.  I take antibiotics if I have a bad ear infection, and I occasionally take OTC pain medicine if I’m really hurting, but overall, I try to stay away from medicines.  I take my multivitamin, and vitamin D. 

I mentioned the inconsistency at the beginning of this post, because it struck me this morning, that I am at a very different place this week than I was last week.  Last week I was stuck in an awful B/P cycle that seemed like it had been going on for a few months.  It seemed like something I would never get away from.  Now I am out of that cycle, eating my “normal” diet, and feeling more like myself.  I am not sure what contributed to the change, maybe seeing my friend over the weekend, but I also theorize that it could have to do with the enormous amount of stress I have this week at work.  I have a big project on Wednesday, and for some reason stress always has a clarifying effect on my mental state.

My convictions from last week about recovery and wanting to be better are pretty much out the window.  I have to be in a really bad place, usually in the middle of a B/P cycle, to ever feel like recovery is an option.  So I’m restricting, feeling very good about it, and staying consistently inconsistent, if nothing else.